Fellow Vores,

I, for one, am pleased to begin a new year. I could easily have done without this last one. Business is better lately, thanks for asking. I hope it is for you as well. Now, having dispensed with mundane reality, let’s get down to business.

On the heels of a study demonstrating that duct tape is an effective cure for warts, I seem to recall reading that a similar study indicates it’s equally effective on hemorrhoids.
Monster. That’s a word I’m hearing all too often these days. Monster’s Ball. Monster’s, Inc., Monster.com, Monster, Indiana.

What I find most objectionable about the word “monster” is when it is applied to particularly bad humans. You know, Hitler, Hussein, Osama, Tyson, Carrot Top, Simon, whomever. “He’s not even human. He’s a monster.” Well, in the words, again, of Gwen Dawkins, I disagree. While their actions can appropriately be characterized as monstrous,these people are not monsters. For one thing, monsters, by definition, don’t exist. More significantly, to relegate these people to the status of monsterhood, removing them from the ranks of humanity, is to deny that we regular old humans have any common bond, any common history, any common anything with extraordinarily bad people. It is simply a bad faith attempt to get us off the hook. If we can exempt people like Hitler from being human, there is far less pressure on the rest of us to come to grips with the uncomfortable issues pertaining to the nature of humanity raised by a guy like him. No, Hitler was human. He was just, as Andy Sipowicz would say, “wired up wrong.”

No doubt he’s a contender for worst human of the 20th century, but we can’t just revoke his membership in the human race. It’s not that kind of club. Is the fact of Hitler’s existence an indictment of our species? No. Species produce aberrations. That’s just the way it goes. And because we have such enormous upside potential, there is, inevitably, a correspondingly extreme downside potential.

If we, as a species, have produced humans in the past who behave so badly we’re no longer capable of seeing them as human, this merely reveals another problem we, as humans, need to face—our inclination to avoid dealing with the dark reality of the human condition. We must overcome this humaneurosis, because, rest assured, we’ll be producing grotesquely Hitleresque humans every now and again in the future. Really bad. But really human as well. The next one will spring from our ranks, just like all the others have. So keep your eyes open and your head out of the sand.

Speaking of which, who’s responsible for those monstrous Joe’s Crab Shack commercials? Every time I hear the opening strains, and I do mean strains, of these nerve-jangling spots, it becomes a life and death struggle to squeeze the mute button before that guy yells, “Hey Joe!”

Have I mentioned that I’d like to be there to make the introductions when the attendees at some party include ABC News reporter Dick Johnson and Montreal Expos coach Dick Pole?

One more question. I’ve just subjected you to a dense, 10-point-type eyestrain containing a grim, lemon harangue sandwiched between a few inconsequential trifles. Apparently, you’ve put up with it. Why? Have you no self respect? Is your life so empty? (Actually, that’s three more questions.)

Stoically,

 

“Vanquishing a man is as bitter as being vanquished.” -- Albert Camus

Most Unfortunate Brand Name Dept.: (For a line of mature women’s apparel) Sag Harbor

“Everybody needs recess.” -- Paul Pine

George Carlin’s Corner
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

“A management obsessed with productivity usually has little patience for the quiet time essential to profound creativity.” -- Gordon MacKenzie

“When history repeats itself these days, it does so more quickly and with less detail.” -- Don Morris