Dear Mr. or Ms. Anthrope:

Right off the bat, let me dispel the rumors that are flying out there. Yes, I am the Jim Morris, promising minor league pitcher whose arm gave out; science teacher, baseball coach and, yes, miracle comeback relief pitcher for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, featured in the current movie, The Rookie. It was a wild ride but it’s over now and I’d like to just get on with my life. So, please, don’t be hounding me with questions, endorsement requests or the like.

While you’ve been all abuzz about whether I’m that Jim Morris or not, the question driving me to distraction is, why don’t we hear much about trench mouth anymore?

Which reminds me of an amusing anecdote I’d like to share with you now. When I was a lad, there was a Freddie Cannon song, one lyric of which was, “French moss hanging from the old oak tree . . .” Well, that’s not what I heard. What I heard was, “Trench mouth hanging from the old oak tree . . .“ I spent way too much time trying to conjur up that image.

Did I say “amusing anecdote”? What I meant was, “The sad ramblings of a deteriorating mind.”

Speaking of pathos, when was the last time that word came up in conversation?

Speaking further of pathos, if you haven’t seen my column, Freelancing The Boil, in Screen lately, that’s because it isn’t there any more. I don’t know why. If you find this turn of events unsatisfactory, a quick call or email to register your sentiments might be in order: 312-640-0800 or cweingarden@screenmag.com.

NEWS FROM THE FRONT OF THE TV: The latest pharmaceuticalamity is the introductory TV spot for Clarinex, consisting of a cheesily animated trip through the solar system while snippets of the score from the Who’s Tommy play in the background and we learn that there’s something new out there that we should ask our doctors about.
If the name is any indication, this drug must reduce symptoms associated with dixieland and all that other licorice sticky jazz.

The choice of music would seem to indicate that they’ve found a cure for deaf, dumb and blindness.
The visuals would lead us to believe that the drug comes to us from Uranus. (I’ll resist the obvious hemorrhoidal allusion.)

And, given the choice of music, we assume this drug is targeted to baby boomers, who are familiar with Tommy, so much so, that they instantly recognize the opening strains of the spot, which bring to mind the accompanying lyrical theme of the rock opera: We’re not going to take it. A strange message, coming from a drug company.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that, when you reverse the “b” and move its stem to the “n”, cbsnews becomes cashews. I guess that tells us which beloved Chicago voiceover legend is actually pulling the strings at that sorry network.
You may recall, in my last meletter, there was a P.S. saying, in essence, I send you this letter so that you’ll give me work -- so give me work already. This may have come off sounding a tad desperate. We can’t have you thinking that, so please pretend I never said it. Thanks. Unless, of course, retracting it sounds even more desperate. Oh, the pathos . . .
On a totally unrelated topic, thanks to Wendi Taylor Nations at Porter Novelli, Lloyd Betourney at the Public Response Group, Randy Isaacson, Therese Maginot and James McGuire at Williams Labadie, Chris Sadler at FullHouse Media and Phil Klukoff at Columbia College for all the work they’ve sent my way this year. And if you suspect this is but a thinly disguised attempt to create the perception that I’m very busy and in constant demand, then you, sir or madam, are a crass and cynical misanthrope.

Stoically,

 

“Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work.” - Flaubert

“Shiny on the outside -- just like donkey droppings.” - Chinese saying

With all this talk of government surplus, you might think we’re making some progress paying down the national debt. Guess again. In 1998, the national debt was $5.5 trillion. This year it has skyrocketed past the $6 trillion mark. You could look it up: www.publicdebt.treas.gov.

“A man convinced against his will is unconvinced still.” - Pastor Phil Johnson

The $1.3 trillion tax cut has added 14,358 pages to the federal tax code. If they cut any more taxes, they’ll have to simultaneously raise taxes just to pay for the additional paper required.

“Paths clear before those who know where they’re going and are determined to get there.” - Leonard Roy Frank

“A nation is a group of people united by a mistaken view about the past and a hatred of its neighbors.” - Earnest Renan