Dear Infidels:

Nascar For Dummies?

Why me? Why now? For weeks, every single day, some days even twice, here at home, strolling down Michigan Avenue, driving through the great Northwest, anywhere I bring my ears, I find myself subjected to that Dean Martin monstrosity -- er -- classic, Ain’t that a kick in the head? It might be the track to some commercial I happen to see. Or piped into the restaurant where I’m eating. Or on some radio station I flip past as I’m driving. One way or another, it tracks me down and kicks me in the head. I don’t care how old and decrepit he is, if I ever come across Jerry Lewis’ lesser half, I’ll be glad to answer his question in the affirmative with my foot.

My wife, Geri, has brought the “God is in the details” controversy to an appropriately merciful end. After my hours of searching the quotations bookshelf at Borders, as well as the internet, in a vain attempt to identify the attribution, she did a little digging of her own, and handed me her search results, which indicated that Simpson’s Contemporary Quotations attributes the quote to, yes, Ludwig Mies van der Rohe. Mike Gebert, you da man.

EARLY WARNING: Perhaps as early as sometime in 2002, my forthcoming (self-published) book, The Width and Wisdom of Chairman Jimmy will be, well, forthcoming. I’m making this announcement now, not for your benefit, but merely in an effort to put some pressure on myself to actually complete this project. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to set and then actually meet self-imposed deadlines? It’s murder, let me tell you. I mean, what bad thing is going to happen if I don’t make that deadline? It won’t be finished yet. Big deal. By the way, I’m open to advice on how to print, launch, market and distribute (and pay for) this 500 page tome.

On a more serious note, in light of the tragic events of 9/11, I’d like to share with you my own reflections on . . . just kidding. I’ll leave that stuff to Oprah and Sting and Dick Clark.

May your holidays be merry and bright. Me, I’ll be cowering in the crawl space, waiting for the distant, merciful strains of Auld Lang Syne to signal the all clear.

Stoically,

 

“The best choose progress toward one thing, while others eat their way toward sleep like nameless oxen.” - Heraclitus

“You can’t lead by ultimatums and you can’t lead by threats.” - Jesse Jackson
(Editor’s note: What about by boycotts? And shouldn’t the plural be ultimata?)

Wish I’d thought of that Dept. Suggested taglines for a new medical camera designed to be swallowed so that it can capture images of the intestines [This list gleaned from the internet, courtesy of John Konrath]:

Take a dump and see what develops.

You’re full of crap and we’ve got the pictures to prove it.

It’s everywhere you don’t want to see.

You are now free to move about your colon.

Goes in a Polaroid, comes out a brownie.

A picture is worth a thousand turds.

(And My Fave:) Just slightly ahead of your chime.
(Legal copy would include this caveat: Tripod sold separately.)

“If big-league baseball really eliminates two teams, couldn’t the Yankees be one of them?” - Mark Dolliver

Had the Go Gos been an art rock band, might their name have been the Gau-Goghs?

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it . . . always.” - Mahatma Gandhi