Dear Fellow Gene Transmitters:

Life Imitates Bad Art Dept.: Has it struck anyone besides me that there are more and more automobile equivalents of Seinfeld’s “puffy shirt”on the road lately? These puffy cars, mostly of the SUV variety, featuring bloated, bulging fenders and such, are a depressing step Packard-wards, don’t you think? Of course, those of you who have one of these bloatmobiles probably don’t agree. Sadly, you’re wrong.

While I’m on the subject, aren’t SUV’s just unsafe guy station wagons, whereas minivans are unsafe girl station wagons?

You may recall that my last letter contained a list of contrarian views to which I sincerely subscribe. I was, quite frankly, trying to pick a fight, because I’ve been getting far too little flak from you people recently regarding the content of these things I write. Surely, I thought, dissing Sinatra, Disney, The Beatles, Shakespeare, Dylan, Peanuts and other such hallowed Herefords, would spark a discussion or two. Nope. Just one person took exception. March First’s guru-in-residence, Mike Gebert, sent me a lengthy “refutation” of each of my acerbic assertions -- a brave, but ultimately, failed attempt. Bravo, Mr. Gebert. At least you took a shot.

Didn’t know I could cook, did you? Fact is, I pride myself on the recipes I conjure up in my spare time. Here’s one I call the Heart-Healthy Shake, inspired by all the exciting news these days about foods that, sometimes surprisingly, appear to lower cholesterol or benefit the heart in some other way. You’ll need a blender, or, in a pinch, one of those coffee bean grinding things. Begin with two pints of Caffeine Free Diet Coke. Toss in a fresh garlic clove, three cups of WOW original, a tub of Benecol (for body), a half cup of nuts (your preference), a Hershey bar or two, one tablespoon of hawthorne berries, and, oddly, two eggs. Set the machine to blend (or grind, as the case may be) for 30 seconds. Pour into a big glass, but forget the straw. You’re going to need a spoon to savor this creamy cardiodisiac!

My nomination for the best commercial of the new millennium so far is the ReplayTV spot in which we see actual police video of an extremely happy, scuzzy drunk guy, attempting to establish his sobriety by touching his finger to his nose. In the process of failing this modest task, he weaves, staggers, falls to the ground, then struggles to his feet, pleased with his wildly inadequate effort, proclaiming victory gleefully, if delusionally, as he leans into camera: “Piesh a cake.” That spot is a worthy companion to the two best commercials of the last millennium: The fat guy dancing for WLUP, and the Reebok Pump spot in which two guys bungee jump off a very high bridge, but only the guy with the pump-to-fit Reeboks rebounds, the other guy presumably having plunged to his death for want of snug-fitting shoes. Talk about your product demo.

Next stop, Fort Brag: I’m told that the Buddig folks are attributing this summer’s 20% increase in sales to that :15 “Ping Pong” spot I helped the Marketing Edge create. (See my column in the July 10, ‘00 Screen for details on that happy project.)

And finally, a moment of silence, please, for the passing of one of the last millennium’s longest-running and most successful ad campaigns: We Are Flintstones Kids, 10 Million Strong . . . and Growing. In the new campaign, that line has been replaced by one equally timeless: Pharmacists’ #1 Choice (or something like that). Catchy.

Stoically,

 

Microbiologists have found the largest bacterium ever -- the size of a period on this page - in sediments off Africa.

“Everything is the way it is because it got that way.” - D’arcy Thompson
Magnetic measurements have revealed a whirlpool at the Earth’s core.

“If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple, we couldn’t.” - Lyall Watson

Researchers have built single-molecule motors that spin when powered by light or chemical energy.

“The tock is clicking.” Dennis O’Connell

One quarter of all bottled water is simply municipal water that’s filtered to remove local taste characteristics. And tap water is actually tested for contaminants more often than bottled water is.

“There’s nothing this nation can’t accomplish without the right leadership.” - George W. Bush