Dear Sample A. “Junior” Sample:

Not to beat a dead force, but . . . it seems many of you, like a herd of sleepy sheep, have simply accepted my alleged son’s alleged physics teacher’s alleged contention that there is no such thing as centrifugal force. Come on people! I’ve heard only one cry of protest (“That’s a load of malarkey!”), and that from Jennifer’s dad, an alleged scientist. (You all know Jennifer, over at Artisan.)

Jeez, I thought 1996 was the most amazing year ever, science-wise, but ‘97 is giving it a run for the money. Already we’ve had Hale-Bopp and the recent discovery that whoever orchestrated the Big Bang screwed it up so that the universe is not expanding uniformly. If that discovery holds up, it would plop a whole lot of seemingly solid physics in the toilet.

Dollar Short Dept: On my desk sits a microcassette recorder strapped to an Elmer Fudd action figure. When you push the button, it says “ha ha ha ha, Oh pwease, pwease stop tickawing me, you’re kiwwing me, pwease stop, ha ha ha ha.” Tickle me Elmer. Get it. Maybe if I hurry I can still cash in on the craze.

Stoically,

 

“Advertising. It’s a living, not a life.” - Mary Joe Leverette.

We Live In A World Gone Mad Dept: McDonald’s is very, very sorry they screwed up and made only 100 million teeny weeny beany babies.

“Eat fat.” - Richard Klein

According to the Sun-Times, the Nature Conservancy, which slaughtered thousands of roaming sheep in the 80’s to protect its vegetation on Santa Cruz Island, said it may start blasting away at those pesky sheep again. I’m going to have to look up that word “conservancy”.

The longest animal on earth? Not the blue whale. Not Harry Reams. It’s an odd, thin, tubular marine creature (kind of a floating intestine) called a siphonophore, a couple inches wide - and 160 feet long.

“Fix the problem. Not the blame.” - David Schiff