Perfect World

Kevin Costner, or his character at least, once asserted that baseball is perfect. I agree with him. But if it’s true that baseball is perfect, we’ve got ourselves one thorny dilemma. This dilemma rises up to greet us in the face of the Dodge folks’ insistence that in a perfect world, everything would be different.

You see the problem, of course. If everything would be different, presumably in that it would all be perfect, then what of baseball? It’s already perfect. Yet in a perfect world it would be different. Could baseball be different, yet remain perfect, as it would have to be in a perfect world? It seems to my simple mind that if something were perfect, and it were to be changed even a smidgeon, it would no longer be perfect. Otherwise, why wouldn’t it have been the way it just got changed to in the first place?

And how would a perfect game in the perfect sport of baseball fare in a perfect world. Surely, if anything about a perfect game were to change, as it presumably would have to in a perfect world, since everything would be different, then the formerly perfect game couldn’t possibly remain perfect. And yet it would have to be perfect, since it took place in a perfect world.

Or is it possible that imperfection could exist in a perfect world? After all, perfection might get a little boring. A little relief from all that perfection might be the perfect thing. Come to think of it, in a perfect world the whole notion of what constitutes a perfect world would have to be different from our imperfect notion, yes? I wonder what the perfect concept of a perfect world would be. It’s tough enough trying to wrap your head around the one we’ve got here in the imperfect world. One thing is certain. It would be different.

I wonder what Voltaire would say about all this. It was his contention that we already live in the best of all possible worlds. Which sounds very close to what a perfect world would be. I guess he would disagree with the Dodge folks. In fact, he would argue precisely the opposite case. If this is the best of all possible worlds, in other words, a perfect world, then nothing could be different from the way it is. It would all have to be the same. In which case, of course, Dodges, which are different, couldn’t exist. (Which leads us to reconsider St. Anselm’s proof for the existence of Dodge, but that is for another column.) In light of all this, I’m guessing Voltaire would drive a Mercury or a Ford.

And then there’s the perfect storm. Another instance of perfection in an imperfect world. In a perfect world, that storm would have been different, and in being different, it would open up the possibility that the crew of the Andrea Gail might have survived. So we are left with this conundrum: In an imperfect world, the perfect storm killed people. Yet in a perfect world, the perfect storm might very well have spared these lives. Hoo boy. That’s a head scratcher.

And what about poor Nadia?

Here’s another thing. If everything would be different, Dodge would be different than it is. Only they claim to already be different, here in this imperfect world. So would they be more different? Different in a different way? Imperceptibly different? Would Dodge be spelled Dojj?

And then there’s this. The Lexus people have been relentlessly pursuing perfection for years now. They’ve invested a lot of time and money in this effort. Has it all been for naught? Should they shift their focus to pursuing a perfect world, rather than trying to make a perfect car in this imperfect world?

You know what I think. I think the Dodge folks are instigators. They’re creating a smokescreen to confuse people about whether their vehicles are different or perfect or both. Surely they are not so naive as to think they can persuade us to equate different, which is what they claim for their vehicles, with perfect. That would be folly. After all, how many of us have ever owned a perfect Dodge? Let’s see a show of hands. That’s what I figured. Come on, Dodge. Face it. Perrier, you’re not.

And besides, in a perfect world, I’d never have to buy another car, much less a Dodge. Or a Lexus. I would just drive my VW bus forever.